


tell me, why does my heart burn when i see your face?

by malecflowers



Series: Philkas week [4]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Breakup Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, also this might suck?, alternate of the rooftop scene in ep 4, i didnt really proofread, idk let me know what you think, im too tired, sorry if there are any mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 06:39:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9223466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecflowers/pseuds/malecflowers
Summary: what if Philip had ended it up on the roof instead of agreeing to film that video for Lukasphilkas week day 4 - breakup





	

Philip felt like he was in shock. He couldn't believe what Lukas was asking him to do. Just the thought of watching Lukas having sex with someone else made it feel like he was being punched in the chest. He shook his head, "No. I won't do it." The look on Lukas's face was all the proof Philip needed to believe that there was no way Lukas felt the same way he did. "I'm not going to help you make things right with your friends and your girlfriend just so you can turn around and continue lying to them and using me to do it. No. I told you, you have to choose, and this time I mean it. You can't put this off anymore Lukas, it's me or her."  
Lukas takes a step back and looks at Philip like he'd just asked him to do something much worse than just make a simple choice. "You know I like you Philip..." "But?"  
Philip already knew where this was going, but he couldn't leave until he heard Lukas say it. "I can't, you know I can't. No one wants me to be 'that guy'. No one would understand." Philip nodded and tried to ignore the crushing feeling in his chest as he turned to walk away, but before he managed to get far he felt Lukas's hand catch his arm. "Where are you going?" Philip didn't dare turn around, but he could tell from the sound of his voice that Lukas was scared. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, pulling his arm out of Lukas's grip, "I'm leaving, and this, whatever it was, is over."  
And with that he walked away, fighting the urge to cry.

After that day school was hell. It was like Lukas was purposefully going out of his way to make sure Philip saw him at least three times a day, and every time Philip saw him it made the hollow feeling in his chest grow. It took every ounce of self control Philip had to ignore the paleness of Lukas's skin and the growing bags under his eyes. He tried his hardest to ignore the fact that he knew Lukas wasn't sleeping, his constant nightmares always kept him awake. And he really tried to ignore the way the shirt Lukas was wearing, which had fit him perfectly a month ago, was slightly baggy now. He knew that Lukas wasn't okay, neither of them were, but he really didn't want to think about how much worse Lukas looked now that Philip was out of his life. At least before he could hide how bad things were when they were in public, but now it seems he just stopped trying to put on a brave face for the rest of the world.  
It hurt to see him like that. But it was less because he was hurting and more because Philip was going through the exact same thing, so he knew how bad it was, and he still left Lukas to go through it alone.  
He tried to ignore those thoughts as much as possible. He knew he'd done the right thing, ending things with Lukas, he didn't deserve to be treated that way. Rose didn't deserve it either, even if she didn't know it was happening. But knowing what he did was the right thing and being okay with it were two very different things.  
Not having Lukas to turn to when things got bad in his head wasn't easy. He had Helen and Gabe but he couldn't tell them why he was so messed up and he didn't want to lie to them, so he didn't say anything. And technically he had his mother, but he still wasn't' supposed to have any contact with her, so that was out of the question. Other than Lukas he hadn't made any friends at the school. There had been Tommy, but he only really tolerated Philip because of their shared love of photography, and now he was dead. Thinking about how alone he actually was made everything seem so much more difficult to deal with, so he tried to ignore it, just like everything else. He listened to music loudly and walked around taking photos of anything and everything and just tried his hardest to keep his mind occupied.

He'd been doing a pretty good job of avoiding Lukas until one day, about two weeks after Philip ended things, Lukas texted him asking to meet up. Philip didn't want to go, he'd been doing such a good job avoiding Lukas, but his hands seemed to move without his permission. They typed out and sent a text agreeing to meet in the barn after school the next day.

The next day Philip spent the entire morning trying to talk himself out of going through with meeting Lukas and, when he realized he couldn't, he spent the entire afternoon jumpy and anxious about how it would go.  
When school was finally over he made sure to take longer than necessary riding his bike home. He knew that Lukas would be there waiting for him and he still hadn't decided what he was going to say.  
As he rode up to the barn on Helen and Gabe's property he noticed Lukas's motorbike standing outside it, but there was no sign of Lukas. Philip stopped outside the barn and climbed off the bike. He stood outside the barn door for a few moments, taking deep breaths and trying to hide how nervous he was, and then he went inside.

He saw Lukas before Lukas saw him. Up close it was harder to ignore all the signs that he was falling apart and it made Philip's chest ache because he knew how hard everything must be for the other boy. Lukas turned when he heard Philip coming and as soon as he looked at Philip he let out a shaky breath, like seeing Philip had taken his breath away.  
"What do you want Lukas?" Philip said. He was still trying desperately to cover up his anxiety, but his voice still wavered slightly as he spoke. Lukas looked kind of like he was going to be sick, but Philip suspected it was probably because Lukas was just as nervous as he was. "I broke up with Rose."  
Philip was took a step back, looking up at Lukas with shock and disbelief. He wanted so desperately to believe Lukas but he wasn't sure he should. "And I think I kinda came out to my dad..." Philip could tell by the way Lukas's voice shook and he started to fidget that he wasn't lying, he always did that when his father had a bad reaction to something Lukas did. "Oh Lukas... What happened?" He could imagine what most likely happened, but he needed to hear it directly from Lukas.  
"He asked why I'd been so down lately and without even thinking I replied with 'boy troubles'. By the time I realized what I'd said it was too late, he was already coming towards me with his fist raised. He was yelling about how he refuses to have a fag for a son as he kicked me." Lukas was looking down at the ground now, but Philip could still see the tears as they started to fall. He moved closer to Lukas and put a hand on the taller boys shoulder. Lukas flinched when he first touched him, but when he realized it was just Philip he reached out and pulled him into a crushing hug. Philip wanted to push him away because they still needed to talk and holding Lukas like that wasn't helping his self control but when Lukas started sobbing into his shoulder he decided that talking could wait. He could feel Lukas leaning against him like he couldn't hold up his own weight, so he led them over to one of the nearby hay bails and sat down so he was leaning against it before pulling Lukas back into his arms. Apart from his hand gently rubbing Lukas's back, he didn't move until Lukas had calmed down.  
When he finally stopped crying Philip pushed him away slightly and used his sleeve to wipe away some of the tear that were still there. "Why did you do it?" Lukas like he was about to cry again, and when he replied his voice was quiet and shaky, "I wasn't going to at first, but then I had another nightmare and when I realized I couldn't call you to help me calm down it hit me what I'd done. I pushed you away because I was too scared people would hate me for being gay. But that night I realized that I don't care what they think, not if caring means losing you. So the next day I broke up with Rose and I told her everything. She was pissed but she understood. She told me to talk to you but it had only been a day and I figured you'd still be mad so I wanted to give you time to calm down." Lukas sniffled and rubbed his nose on his sleeve before continuing, "So I kind of went out of my way to see you everyday. I thought I'd be able to tell if you were still super pissed based on your reaction when I saw you, but every day was the same. You never even looked at me, and when you did see me you looked away immediately, so I figured you were still mad and I left you alone. Then yesterday I told Rose about the nightmares and how you were the only one who could calm me down enough after one that I could go back to sleep. She told me I was being stupid not talking to you and took my phone to text you. And now we're here..."  
Philip watched Lukas's face and couldn't help but notice how lost and sad he looked during his entire story, "Oh Luka..." he felt his heart race slightly as the nickname slipped out, but he didn't correct himself, "You had to know I would have forgiven you if you just told me you were coming out to people. I would have been so happy for you, I am happy for you." He reached up and cupped Lukas's cheek, using his thumb to wipe away the few stray tears that had fallen while he was talking. Lukas nodded slightly, "I knew, I was just so scared you wouldn't forgive me that I guess I managed to convince myself you wouldn't." "Well it's okay now, I forgive you."  
Lukas let out a sigh of relief and hugged Philip tightly. Philip responded by hugging back and pressing his nose against the skin of Lukas's neck. He closed his eyes and lost himself in the feeling of being close to Lukas again.  
There were still so many things to deal with. The killer was still on the loose, no one knew they'd witnessed the murders, and both boys were still up to their ears in PTSD, but in that moment they both managed to forget about all of that for a little while. Instead they leaned against the hay and held each other, letting themselves be calm and happy for the first time in weeks.


End file.
